By Jack Elias

Everything that distresses you is irrelevant. Most people are interested and puzzled by this proposition; some are angered. How can I not be distressed about being unemployed, sick, or because of a significant loss?

In working with clients I find that two of the main causes of confusion about the needlessness of distress relate to two main issues:

1. Confusion about desire vs. attachment

2. Limited self-concepts

Briefly, here's my take:

Confusion about Desire vs. Attachment

I find many people, believing themselves to be basically "sinners," think their desires are selfish and therefore wrong. Yet they can't give up these desires, so they feel distressed in the pursuit of them. Since they are wrong, they feel ashamed and guilty. Since they are selfish, they have to be covert and manipulative in their effort to satisfy them. Very distressful orientations, indeed.

How's this: it's natural to have natural desires and to meet them with ease and self-respect. Natural desires arise from simply being alive; life desires what it wants to celebrate being alive. Respecting life, being grateful for life, means being respectful of and grateful for the guidance of natural healthy desires.

Desire is not the problem. Grasping at desires is the problem. Grasping is a problem because you can't grasp a desire, all you can really do is squeeze your guts. Squeezing your guts is the actual activity. What we think, what we hallucinate, is that we are grasping our desire. But the actual squeezing is causing the distress. If you recognize the actual activity of squeezing, you can evaluate: how does squeezing my guts help me get my desire or to get over not getting my desire. It doesn't, clearly. Enjoy the desire with ease if you meet it. Move on, hopefully with a lesson learned (and gratitude for it), to other desires (enjoyable pursuits) if you don't. No squeezing required.

Limited Self-Concepts

Here are the primary root forms of limited self-concept:

1. I'm unworthy (not good enough, not deserving, therefore the universe is against me, nothing I do will work out).

2. I'm a victim (not strong enough or smart enough).

3. I'm special. (Other people get the right help and can change; not me).

4. I am what I think I am and nothing more. (Don't try to trick me into trying something new. It won't work because the universe is against me. Cycle back to #1).

5. I take up too much space/there is not enough space for me. If I expressed freely, I'd bother people.

These are so painful when we deeply believe them that we do not recognize that they are basically complaints. Recognizing them as complaints can actually diminish the power they have over us. It can take them off the pedestal we have put them on as unassailable truths.

There are several antidotes to these complaints. One is to accept the possibility that they are true, but with an open, respectful mind, require absolutely clear evidence: "Maybe this is true about me, but I need clear proof. Please show it to me. If you do I will happily believe it, without complaint."

Our habitual thoughts are fleeting and insubstantial and yet they catch us and put us in a box. Before we know what hit us, the next thought stream is carrying our attention away so we can't examine what hit us. This is why it is important to address each of these limiting beliefs on paper.

Write down the evidence that proves each is true. You must be honest with yourself and that could take practice. You may have to do the exercise repeatedly, hopefully getting more clear and honest about the real reasons you feel compelled to believe any of these. Write down the thinking that habitually hooks you and see it on paper. Having the thoughts on paper where you can keep your focus on them robs them of their power of stealth attack. With undistracted attention, you will see the absurdity of them. (Unless of course it's true).

It is not enough to say, "I know it's absurd," without writing it down. You must do the exercise, seeing the full expression of the belief on paper, until you feel a release inside. To experience release without undistracted attention on the whole thought package is much more difficult to achieve just by thinking about the thoughts and labeling them absurd. This is why many people say, "I know it's absurd but I still can't stop believing it."

Another method that can help is to write out in detail what your life would be like if you believed the opposite of your main self-limiting belief. Write out the good, bad and the ugly of living with the opposite belief. Again, it will probably take repeated writings to get all the details, but it's worth it. You most likely will experience your mind bounce between extremes: "This would be good, but this would be bad," "I'd like it to be this way, but if it was, then this (negative thing) would happen."

Don't give up if you start becoming aware of a wild confusion of conflicting concerns. Getting them out in the open and on paper where they can't attack and disappear gives you the edge you need to free yourself from their influence.

Jack Elias is director of the Institute for Therapeutic Learning, a vocational school offering transpersonal hypnotherapy/NLP trainings, seminars and mentorship programs. Author of Finding True Magic, Jack teaches a dynamic process of change for his clients and students. http://FindingTrueMagic.com.