By Kathy Heffernan, MAPS, BCC

I became interested in the spiritual and emotional impact of romantic love about 20 years ago when I broke up with the man I thought that I would marry. The pain that followed was excruciating. In despair, I thought I would never meet someone with whom I was so much in love. The thought of him ever being with another woman caused physical pain like a knife pressed to my belly. One time I took a detour on my way to work just so I could see him and to get one more hug. His response to me was less than ideal. "It's a good thing you don't drink," he said. I began to wonder: had I been in love? Or had I been addicted? Or, to question further: was romance itself addictive?

Robert Johnson, author of the book, We: The Psychology of Romantic Love, would seem to think so. This was the book to which I turned to shed insight on my own struggles. It's the one book I recommend to friends and clients who are mystified by the painful impact of romantic love. Johnson's book examines the oldest romance story of Tristan and Isuelt, star-crossed lovers from the mythical kingdoms of Ireland and Cornwall.

I recommend reading the book in its entirety, but we've all heard the story before. Tristan and Iseult fall madly in love as a result of a love potion they mistakenly both drink. They pursue this love at all costs, risking even death. Haunted by the fatal twins of pleasure and pain, they can live neither with or without each other. In the end, both of them die.

Not exactly a fairy tale ending.

Ever the Jungian analyst, Johnson uses the story to emphasize the deep desires of the higher self, or soul, to develop individual potential and the captivating power of romantic love to catalyze that process. In romantic attraction, we project unconscious parts of ourselves onto another person. The projection or the romantic energy is so compelling because, Johnson would argue, the soul demands wholeness at all costs. Sometimes the only way the soul can get us to pay attention is to make us "drink a love potion" by throwing these parts of ourselves onto another person in the hopes that we will finally see them and integrate them consciously.

So, at its best, romance can nurture the soul of both persons. At its worst, as in the story of Tristan and Iseult, romantic love can become an addictive drug that destroys lives. How easily we fall into the trance of romance depends upon a multiplicity of factors such as our family history, what we have learned about romance, love and relationship, as well as any trauma or abuse we may have experienced in our earlier years.

The impact of romance on the brain itself is quite startling. Because of the sophistication of modern brain science we now know that the brain of a person "in love" resembles a brain that is high on opiates and cocaine. We also know that when we are falling in love our brains contain high levels of dopamine, which causes our euphoric state, as well as norepinephrine, which causes sweaty palms, elevated blood pressure, and a racing heart. According to Brenda Schaeffer, author of Is it Love or Is it Addiction? these physiological reactions are a normal response to romantic experience.

However, if the physical impact of romance on the brain is a normal occurrence, what is it that makes romance addictive? Schaeffer offers these three characteristics: 1) obsession or preoccupation; 2) loss of control resulting in negative consequences; and 3) continuation in spite of negative consequences.

If you are concerned that your life might be suffering from elements of romance addiction, schedule an appointment with a good psychotherapist or spiritual director. A spiritual director, in particular, can help you to listen to the deeper longings of your soul. It is often these deeper longings that are ignored when we are caught in the trance of romance.

Here are other questions to ask yourself:

1. What are the deepest desires of my soul? For example, do you need to express your creativity through art, dance, singing, or playing an instrument? Are there creative pursuits you have neglected as you have pursued the object of your affections? Where are you making time just for you to sit in quiet reflection?

2. How am I experiencing my own embodiment? Are you giving yourself time in nature to experience Mother Nature's nurturing? Are you allowing yourself to revel in sensual bodily experiences such as luxurious baths or massage; sand on a warm beach; physical affection from friends, family, or beloved pets?

3. How am I being drawn to the object of my romantic affections? What is it about him or her that might be reflecting part of yourself that you are not developing consciously? For example, if the object of your affection is a musician, has there been a longing in you to connect to your creative side through music or singing? Do you need to learn to play an instrument? Is he or she at the top of their game in their line of work and is that something you are longing to create for yourself?

4. How are my relationships in the other areas of my life? Are you experiencing true intimacy in your relationships with others or do your relationships seem shallow or life-draining? Do you experience a sense of belonging or alienation in your relationships?

5. What spiritual practices help to keep me in balance? The quieting practices of meditation, prayer, sacred journaling, reiki, and yoga are just some of the spiritual practices that can help you to regain balance if you are in the throes of a romance addiction.

Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy life-giving relationship that doesn't imprison you in the pain of addiction. May this Valentine's Day find you falling in love, as the poet Mary Oliver writes, "with your one wild and precious life."

Kathy Heffernan, MAPS, BCC, is a spiritual director and reiki master in Seattle. She has over 10 years' experience as a hospital spiritual counselor specializing in the areas of grief, end-of-life issues, and spiritual wellness. Her website is www.treeoflifenorthwest.com